Narrator: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...wait, wrong story. Ahem. (assumes serious expression) In the beginning, there was Chaos. Chaos collided with itself. Uranus and Gaea were created and had a whole bunch o' kids. Unfortunately for the kids, Uranus had heard a prophecy that one of the kids would kill him one day, so he ate them all for dinner. Gaea was, to say the least, very upset. So when her next son, Kronos, was born, Uranus came home, ready for dinner, and instead of the kid, Gaea gave him a rock to eat.

Uranus: Why is the kid hard, lumpy, and gray?
Gaea: I overcooked him. Sorry.

Narrator: Gaea sent Kronos to a faraway island, where he learned to fight. Many years later, the kids in Uranus's stomach, having remained miraculously undigested, were full grown. Kronos returned home, chopped his dad into confetti, and freed his siblings from their imprisonment in their father's stomach. Uranus's blood dripped down onto the land and created the Furies. Some more blood landed in the sea, creating the beautiful Aphrodite. Kronos had some kids with his sister, Rhea, because they didn't care about incest back then. Unfortunately for those kids, Kronos decided to take after his dad and eat them as well, since kids were such a tasty meal, as we learned in "A Modest Proposal." Rhea decided to be like her mother and feed Kronos a rock instead of her son Zeus.

Kronos: Why is this kid big and heavy like a rock?
Rhea: I don't know.
Kronos: Okay. (eats rock)
Rhea: Men are dumb!

Narrator: Zeus too was sent to an island, where he learned to fight, then came back and chopped his dad into confetti as well. Hades created Tartarus, where the Kronos confetti ended up, and after that, the great Olympians ruled.

And now we introduce our story. Hera, queen of the goddesses is having a meeting on the 600th floor of the Empire State building, which the gods have taken up as their residence instead of Mount Olympus.

(Athena walks on stage. Hera, Artemis, and Hestia are already assembled.)

Hera: You're late.

Athena: Sorry, Hera. (She glances around) Hey guys...where are we?

Artemis: Where does it look like?

Hestia: This is the 600th floor of the Empire State building.

Athena: What happened to Mount Olympus??

Hestia: It's being remodeled.

Artemis: Besides, New York is the biggest city in the United States. We do have to be where the action is, you know.

Hera: Now sit down and stop talking, little missy. Who's in charge here?

Artemis and Hestia: You are!

Hera: That's right, and don't you forget it!

(Athena sits)

Hera: Right. Today, we're going to mess with the lives of the New York citizens for the amusement of it.

Hestia: Aww, we've done that a million times!

Artemis: Yeah, let's mess with someplace different today!

Athena: Excuse me, Hera. Where are all the gods? I mean, where's Zeus and everyone?

Hera: They're all off watching football. It's a big game with the Bears against the Packers. That's why we have the 600th floor of the Empire State Building to ourselves for a change. ....Why, have you got a problem with that, Athena?

Athena: Oh, no, it's just, when we mess with the lives of the mortals, the gods are usually there to help us.

Hera: Who needs men?? We can come up with stuff on our own!

Athena: Oh yeah. Right. Everything you guys come up with is far too dangerous! Need I remind you of the Opium War? As I recall, it that was your idea. You got all the Chinese people addicted to opium, just so you could get your opium more easily!

Hera: So not true! The foolish mortals brought it upon themselves!

Athena: And Hestia started all those forest fires in California! People could have died!

Hestia: Aw, what's a few mortals in the long run? We got to make lots of fire!!!

Athena: Yeah, but -

(There is a knock at the door.)

Hera: Oh, more party guests must be here. Hestia, Artemis, go see who it is!

(Hestia and Artemis exit. This is when you guys become Persephone and Demeter!)

Hera: Athena, I can't believe your petty arguments. You're supposed to be the goddess of wisdom! You're supposed to be smart!

Athena: I am smart! Smart enough to see that the world is just going downhill. I miss the old days...when the Greeks and Romans were the most powerful people in the world....(stares off into space)

Hera: (hits Athena with scepter) Snap out of it! This is 2008! Start living in this time period! The Greeks and Romans are over - you need to accept it!

(Demeter and Persephone enter.)

Persephone: I know someone else who needs to accept something...(glares at Demeter)

Demeter: What? I'm sorry, but I can't accept it! Hades is much too old for you.

Persephone: (rolls eyes) Whatever, Mom.

Hera: Hey what now? Did I miss something? Is there some important piece of gossip I've missed?

Demeter: Persephone married Hades.

Hera: Ewww...why would you do that?

Persephone: Oh, whatever. Have you seen his kingdom? The underworld is like, such a cool place. And look! He gave me a Cerberus! (pulls out three-headed dog)

Demeter: I don't want that thing in my house!

Persephone: It won't be in your house!

Demeter: You are not moving to the underworld! Do you know what a filthy place it is?

Persephone: I'll visit you, I guess...

Demeter: That's not good enough! Hades is a dangerous person, Persephone, I don't want you getting hurt or killed!

Persephone: I won't be.

Demeter: But -

Hera: Knock it off, you two! We have more important things to take care of!

Demeter: But can't you just knock some sense into my daughter??

Hera: She's your problem, not mine.

Demeter: Yeah, you say that now. Just wait until you have a teenage daughter! (scary music sound effect)

Hera: (ignoring Demeter and scary music sound effect) Can we get down to business, please?

Persephone: Whatever. (starts filing fingernails)

Demeter: Persephone...will you please stop saying whatever?

Hera: Demeter, pay attention!

Demeter: What?

Athena: Why am I surrounded by idiots?

Hera: Ahh! I've just about had enough of you - all three of you! You're all going to Hades after you die!

Persephone: I certainly hope so.

Hera: You know what? Persephone, Demeter, I'm through with you. Go away! Send Hestia and Artemis back!

Persephone: Whatever.

(Demeter and Persephone exit. Time to turn back into Artemis and Hestia!)

Hera: (glares at Athena) You're lucky I didn't kick you out too.

Athena: Ha! The only reason you didn't is because I don't happen to have two parts in this play!

Hera: Shut up! You're next!

Athena: So, Hera...is there a point to this meeting?

Hera: Yes.

Athena: ...What is it, then?

Hera: You'll see.

(Hestia and Artemis enter)

Hestia: Can we set the Empire State Building on fire?

Hera: Actually, that would be an excellent way to create chaos, but we can't. We wouldn't be able to have meetings on the 600th floor of the Empire State Building if it burned down, now could we?

Hestia: I guess not. Darn.

Artemis: So what should we do?

Athena: Blow up the world.

(Everyone stares at her.)

Hera: Are - you - completely - insane????

Artemis: Why in the world would you want to do a crazy thing like that?

Athena: Why not? You guys want to create chaos - what better way than to blow the entire world up?

Hera: That's not chaos! That's - that would be like - the end of the world! Chaos is like, having some Serbian rebel assassinate the prince of Austria-Hungary!

Artemis: Chaos is what happens when the Europeans move into Africa!

Hera: Chaos is what happens if you force Mr. Schou to listen to Celine Dion!

Artemis: Not blowing up the world!

Hera: Hestia, back us up here!

Hestia: ...Would an explosion involve fire?

Athena: Yes, of course.

Hestia: Oooohh...

Artemis: You can't seriously be considering this, Hestia!

Hestia: It sounds like fun to me.

Hera: It's not.

Athena: Yes, it is!

Hera: Don't listen to her, Hestia. She's a liar.

Athena: I am not! Can I explain why blowing up the world is a good idea?

Hera: It won't do any good, but if you feel the need to, be my guest.

Athena: Okay. You know the world is just going downhill. Everything is dependant on technology nowadays. In a few years, you won't have to do anything over the phone or in person. It'll all be over the computer. Everyone will get fat and lazy!

Hestia: Oh, no! Everywhere is going to be like America!

Athena: And as for us? We'll be completely forgotten! No one has worshipped us for hundreds of years! What are we supposed to do about this?

Hera: We can just start another World War!

Athena: World Wars don't do anything to help us! All they do is get people killed! Besides, the War in Iraq is going on right now - they can't fight two wars at once. And how did the War in Iraq start?

Hera: Oh, come on. People overreacted!

Athena: Well, I don't know about you, but making planes fly into the World Trade Centers is not my idea of fun. We used to have fun - but then people stopped caring about pleasing us.

Hestia: She could be right, you know. Nobody cares about us anymore - we're just a bunch of businesswomen in the sky.

Athena: My point exactly, Hestia.

Hestia: So how does blowing up the world help this?

Athena: Well, besides being very entertaining and creating a giant explosion, which I know you would enjoy, Hestia - my theory is that once the world has exploded, we could recreate the world the way we did in the first place - you know, the way the narrator guy described at the beginning? Then we could take better care of the world and make sure it stays the way it was in the times of the Greeks!

Hera: So...you're against industrialization!

Athena: Well, I don't know if I'd put it that way, but..yes. I just think too much technology is not good for us! If the world were to blow up and be recreated, we could relive the days where everything was great!

Hestia: I think that's a good idea!

Hera: Be quiet, Hestia. You don't know what you're talking about. (turns to Athena) You know, just because you're Zeus's brainchild doesn't mean you get to tell all of us what to do. Insubordination is what this is!

Athena: No, Hera, I swear it's not! I suggest we take a vote. All those in favor of blowing up the world -

Hera: What makes you think this is a democracy?

Athena: Um....I don't know.

Hera: Well, it's not a democracy! So there! No vote. We aren't blowing up the world, just because you're too slow to get with the program and accept the changing ways! We're trying to progress, and you're just dragging us down! You better get with it, or you're going to end up being left behind, lost and confused and wondering what's going on!

Athena: I won't, not if we blow up the world!

Hera: You know what happens if we blow up the world? There's a good chance of all of us dying!

Athena: We won't!

Hera: How do you know?

Athena: Because I'm the goddess of wisdom, remember? I'm the smart one!

Hera: Excuse me? And I'm not smart?

Athena: Um, well...maybe not as much as me.

Hera: (smiles) Athena, would you mind leaving the room for a few minutes. I need to discuss your proposition with Hestia and Artemis.

Athena: Oh, um..okay.

(Athena leaves.)

Hera: Ugh! Finally! Now we can plot against her!

Hestia: Plot against her? Why?

Hera: Hestia, did you hear anything she just said? She wants to blow up the world and stop the industrialization process!

Hestia: Yeah, so? What's your point?

Hera: My point, Hestia and Artemis, is that our old friend Athena is losing it. She's far too attached to the old days, and we have to keep progressing.

Artemis: So what do we do?

Hera: I think we're going to have to assassinate her.

Hestia: Assassinate her?? That's not....very nice...

Hera: Oh well. She brought it upon herself. And we can be like those guys in Julius Caesar, who assassinated him for the good of all.

Artemis: Only...things didn't work out so well for them....

Hera: Don't worry about it. Now, Artemis, is there any way you can get a gun?

Artemis: Uh...sure, I guess so.

Hestia: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you want to kill her?

Hera: Well, I don't think goddesses can technically die. She might just be out of commission for awhile. Say, a couple hundred years. Once she comes back, we'll be so far ahead she won't be able to do anything about it.

Hestia: Oh. Okay then.

Hera: Now, Artemis, get that gun. (As Artemis gets her gun, Hera calls,) Athena! You can come back in now!

(Athena enters)

Athena: So...what did you decide?

Hera: No.

Athena: No?

Hera: No, as in, we aren't blowing up the world.

Athena: So, what are we going to do then?

Artemis: (holds up gun) Put you out of commission for awhile.

Athena: (clueless) Artemis, what are you doing with a gun? (takes gun away)

Artemis: Hey, that's mine!

Athena: Guns are much more trouble than they're worth. (sets the gun down) You remember from the World Wars how much trouble these can cause!

Artemis: Well, it's not like it's poison gas or something!

Athena: But still. I don't think we should use guns. So what are we doing about the whole industrialization thing?

Hera: We're letting it happen. (She picks up the gun)

Athena: But we can't!

Hera: Oh, yes we can. You just won't be around for it. (points gun at Athena)

Athena: Wait. WHAT? I don't remember this being in the script! (picks up script and starts leafing through it) Who wrote this thing, anyway?

Everyone: You did!

Athena: Oh yeah...dang.

Hera: Sorry, Athena. (shoots gun)

Athena: (doubles over in pain) Darn you all to Hades! You can't kill a goddess forever, you know! I'll be back - and when I return, you'll all be sorry!

Artemis: Would you hurry up and die already?

Athena: Shut up! I'll be back, Hera! I'll be back...to have...my revenge....(dies)

(Everyone stares at Athena for awhile)

Hestia: Well. That was exciting.

Artemis: Yeah.

(Another short silence)

Hera: I wonder what's on TV?

The rest: (ad lib) Yeah, let's see, come on.

Narrator: And so it was that Hera restored her power by temporarily assassinating Athena. Hestia was upset that she couldn't blow up the world, but Hera consoled her by letting her set an apartment building on fire. Demeter and Persephone were eventually let back into Hera's good graces, and they finally worked out their family issues as well.

Demeter: Persephone! Your Cerberus chewed up my plants!

Narrator: Well, for the most part. Anyway, Artemis decided that Athena was right, and guns were bad. She went back to using her trusty bow and arrow. And Hera continued to rule with an iron fist - at least she did until the gods came back from watching football. They weren't too happy that she'd assassinated someone without their knowledge. This started a war between all the gods and goddesses - which only goes to show that history does indeed repeat itself. (An ominous fade out of lights or music would be lovely to have here.)

THE END